All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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