my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
