I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Randomize