The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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