btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
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