I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
