My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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