I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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