her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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