What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
