worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
