Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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