I looked at my own cervix.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
