Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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