Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
