I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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