dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize