Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
