Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize
