Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Randomize
