i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Randomize
