Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
