Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
