i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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