What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
