We're like a lot better than the average bears
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
