I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Randomize