The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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