I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
