No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
