I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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