Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
