Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I love having hate sex.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
It's blow job season.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
