The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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