You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
