I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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