It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
