Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
