if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
