I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
