Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
