I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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