After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
