Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
