I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
