I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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