i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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