good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
