Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
