im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
