i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
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