I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
