I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
