Your face is a jimmy john
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
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