It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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