If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
