My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
