I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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