look no pants
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
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