perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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