sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
