Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
