I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
