im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Randomize
