I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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