Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
