im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I am spending my child support on dildos
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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