Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
