Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
