He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
