3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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