so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
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