The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize