It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
